Say
by Zylstra
Summary: He'd meant to say something. SJ pairing. Songfic.
1. Nemesis

Another one of my sappy songfics :S. The song is Blue and Yellow by The Used.

SJ pairing, as usual. This one's a three parter, with spoilers to Nemesis, The Other Side and Upgrades. They're pretty short chapters, so I should have em all up in the next three days.

Jack's POV

Say

I meant to tell her.

I didn't know exactly when or where, but I had meant to. I guess I was just waiting for the right moment to come along to maybe, accidentally-on-purpose, let something small slip.

Or maybe the whole 'right moment' thing was just an excuse. Any reason to postpone, ignore and pretend that nothing had happened.

But it was getting harder. Every time it was just me and her, without Daniel and Teal'c to be a subliminal reminder of the job we were here to do, awkwardness just kinda floated in from somewhere. I'm supposing that this time isn't going to be too much different.

I wander into her lab, hands thrust deep into my pockets. I'm trying to convince myself that I'll be doing the same thing that I did with Daniel and Teal'c: saying a quick goodbye before I head off. Somehow, that sounds a lot easier than it seems at the moment I realize as I walk down the hall leading to her lab.

"Carter!" I call over the noisy machine she was using. She immediately looks up, removing her mask.

"Sir!" She looks happy to see me. "Hi. How's Daniel?"

"Oh, he's gonna be fine," I reply. I nod at the device on her bench. "What are you doing?"

She turns to look at...whatever the thing is. "I'm getting ready to do a detailed analysis of..." I can't properly understand what she just said. Besides...

"I'm on vacation!"

She smiles again. "Yes, sir."

"So are you." She knows perfectly well she's on vacation. I don't know why I even bother trying to get her to do anything about it. But maybe I just like hearing any reply...

"I know. It's not that I'm happy that Daniel's in excruciating pain or anything like that, but I've been looking forward to an opportunity like this for quite some time."

Uh-oh. I'm running out of things to say. Time to put my "wit" card into play. "You know, maybe it's just me, but I always thought when one _got_ a chance to leave, one actually _left_." She chuckles. I continue. "Daniel's recoup-ing, Teal'C's off visiting his kid somewhere, personally, I have a date with a lake in Minnesota where the bass grow that big." I indicate the size with my arms.

"Really?" Sarcasm.

She knows me too well.

"Oh yes." Momentary pause. "What I'm describing here involves a very special element."

She nods, pointing at her little science project. "This is fun to me, sir."

"Well, if playing with your little reactor sounds better than exploring the lakes and natural beauty of Northern Minnesota, there's not much I can do."

Hang on a second...Did I just invite her to come fishing? That definitely wasn't in my mental script. Maybe she'll not notice the discrepancy and I'll just walk out of here...

"Was that an invitation, sir?"

Ah. Busted. Act cool.

"Nothin' wrong with that, is there? A couple of co-workers - friends, if you will - fishing? It'd be fun."

"Wow." She looks down - considering my offer? Oh geez. "I appreciate the offer, sir - it sounds great...B-but I should probably-"

"No sweat!" I answer quickly, hoping my relief isn't showing. "See you in a week. By all means...have fun!" I leave quickly, before she can change her mind.

This _thing_ that's happened between us is borderline on 'a problem': At this point, I don't even have the guts to call it anything but _this thing_... and that certainly can't be good.

But I'm not allowed to be feeling what I'm feeling. So I'll ignore it for now.

_It's all in how you mix the two_

_And it starts just where the light exists_

_It's a feeling that you cannot miss_

_And it burns a hole through everyone who feels it._


	2. The Other Side

I could have just said it.

"I'm sorry."

"Ayeem Soh-ree". I mean, it's hardly that difficult. But I just couldn't. Those words...how did such a commonplace phrase signify something else when I was saying it to her? And why did that 'something else' cause me to second guess my use of it in the first place?

She's standing on the ramp, glaring at me. She doesn't agree with my decision to do what I do next, but she chooses to stay silent. I give the order, and the iris closes behind her. She knows what's coming next. I can see her tensing in anticipation. She's shaking ever so slightly... Are those tears forming behind her eyes?

Thud.

There it is. The sound of flesh hitting the steel barrier - causing immediate death.

I can see her guilt, her anger. She's - inadvertently - caused the death of four people in the last couple of days, three of whom had _not_ directly tried to get us to help them commit genocide. I just stand and look completely emotionless. I do it on purpose. I believe what I did was right. But I can't help feeling a slight twang of empathy. If I were in her shoes, I'd probably be feeling exactly the same as her. But I'd be a lot more vocal about my disagreement.

I warned Alar not to follow us, but he did anyway. He should have guessed what was coming to him. Was it anybody else's fault but his that he got splattered on our iris?

Great. Now I'm trying to justify my actions to myself. It's because she's standing there looking at me like that. I wouldn't be trying to justify myself if she wasn't staring at me.

..and now I'm trying to shift the blame to her.

I suppose in the grand scheme of things, it _is_ my fault, and yet I remain solid in my belief that it couldn't have ended any other way. But I'm also still sorry. I'm sorry it had to be that way. I'm sorry that she felt like she did. And I'm sorry that there's nothing I can do about it now.

_Should have done something, but I've done it enough._

_By the way, your hands were shaking._

_I'd rather waste my time with you._


	3. Upgrades

It was the perfect time.

Nothing would have mattered after those few seconds.

She's on the other side of that force field. Trapped. She's begging me to leave. I'm not going anywhere. She looks on the brink of tears. I caught her eye, and promptly tried to drop again. If I didn't, perhaps the plea shimmering in their depths might convince me just to do as she asks. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. But I could force myself to stay, just a little longer. She couldn't force me to leave. The C4 was going to blow soon - rendering anything I did pretty much a waste of time, all things considered.

I can feel something rising in my throat; something rising in my lungs. She can hear me. I could just say it. Just come out with it quickly while we were still alive. Alive long enough to comprehend it and know we couldn't do anything about it.

I l...I lov...

I can't even think it. How can I possibly say it if I won't even let myself consciously think it?

..We're closer than what I remember being a couple of minutes ago. Her nose is brushing the force shield, causing it to ripple blue. Which is annoying. It's interfering with my view into her eyes - the last one I could be getting. Until next life, at least, if you're one to believe in that kind of thing.

My hands are turning cold on the light thing I had been using to try to shut down the shield. It's like my heart has completely stopped - a cliche, I know, but it feels almost true. Maybe it's not such a bad cliche, in situations like this. We can hear the footsteps of Jaffa getting closer and closer. Teal'c isn't going to be here to save us this time, if he's followed orders and taken Daniel to the gate. He's a good guy - he'd've followed orders.

I suddenly feel the need so say something profound. It's a strange feeling...

"Carter..." She's still looking me straight in the eye - not helping in the flow of my profoundness.

"I'm not really good at this sort of stuff, but I'll give it a go." I breathe. "I...I just wanted to say that...Over these last couple of years we've been working together, I think that I might have, maybe...IthinkImighthavefalleninlovewithyou." That was so hard.

The C4 blows, and the shield lowers. The Jaffa that were coming around the corner to kill us fall to the ground - we have a chance to escape.

Phew. I'm so glad I didn't say those last couple of things aloud.

"Did you see that?" she asks me.

"Let's go," I say, getting to my feet.

We start to run for everything we're worth. We're within a couple of hundred metres of the 'gate. We dive through, just as we hear the ship explode into pieces and in the fraction of a second that I'm traveling between planets, I think.

That could have been us in along with that flying debris.

But it wasn't, and I suppose I can rest easy.

But will I? Will I sleep knowing that we prevented Apophis' easy conquering of the galaxy? That we got rid of many of his Jaffa that would have been hunting us down, given time? Somewhere, I know that these won't be my last thoughts before I sleep.

Even when I thought for sure we were gonna die - or rather, though she was definitely gonna die - I couldn't bring myself to tell her. What if one day I wake up and it's too late? What if one day I will be actually allowed to tell her? Will I even have the nerve then?

I can't do anything about what has happened now; what I have or haven't done; what I have or haven't said.

For now, I'll just pretend I'm happy that I hadn't needed to say it today.

_Should've said something, but I've said it enough._

_By the way, my words were fading._

_Rather waste my time with you._


End file.
